LIFE AND LEADERSHIP LESSONS FROM ANTS

A PERSONAL LEADERSHIP DIALOGUE BETWEEN MOTHER AND SON

by Nhlanhla G. Mafarafara

“ I would rather die trying to save my friends and family than toil all year and accumulate wealth only to enjoy it lonely.” Said Bason, an the adopted son of the Mpengu family. Bason was adopted when he was three weeks old after he was found by a strange dog at a dumping side near a Texi Rank in Soweto. He was short, muscular, dark skinned, broad chest, thick voiced and fine young man. It seemed as though the Creator had given him everything to earn him a pass through life. After all he was a rejected son whom genuine love from a stranger. He always thanks God for the Dog that saved him.

Over the years, he and his siblings, most of which never sow the chalkboard of a high school class beyond Standard 7. When their voices began to thicken, their father, Hans, as he was known in Elim, instructed them to fend for their younger sisters, mother and grand parents. Hana’s way of life was such that they must spend 6 months planting, growing and harvesting food for the next six months or so.

Philosophy that is bigger than life

 His philosophy was simple: work in spring and summer, harvest at the end of summer and beginning of Autumn and enjoy family time sipping coffee and telling stories with family all winter. He learned this principles from his great-grandfather, Tshibvumo ha MAKWARELA. Tshibvumo had 6 wives, 14 sons, 15 daughters, 6 adopted daughters and13 grand children. He said it was not enough, he wishes he could have been able to adopt more children, but he died early. So the principle have been passed from generation to generation. Bason was a beneficiary of this workaholic and life smart old papa. It seems they had much bliss working in their farm, taking care chicken, pigs, goats and sheep. They also had a vast grazing land and vegetation. He also had over 22 men working in the farm. He refused to hire women, saying that “man was born to protect and provide for the woman.”

Bason, the educated son

Bason, was a 31 year old graduate from University of Venda. He graduated top of his class and was offered a position to serve articles as trainee attorney in MMM Attorneys in Polokwane with an option to become partner. He accepted it and worked hard to earn 20% shareholding as partner within 3 years. At this time, had almost forgotten everything he was taught by his father about work and living with people. At least until a tragedy hit the family. His father died of heart attack on his way to the farm. He was found dead, 3 days after he disappeared. Now his siblings, who had never tasted working for a salary or living in a city needed him at home for two reasons. One to bury their father with dignity and secondly to protect the legacy of his father. They were about to lose the land.

As he looked back, he realised that everything his father fought was too valuable than the degree and money he got. Well, except that he could now negotiate in English and Afrikaans. He could not be cheated because he understood the law and the language in which it was written. “Bason” called his mother. “Let me remind you of something that I think you missed in the 31 years of your eating pap.” She paused a little, took a sip of goat milk that was sitting still in a round, brown and white floral clay jar.

find investments that fulfil your ultimate purpose

“Your father never left this family. For 71 years. In the 50 years of marriage, I sow him everyday. In the 31 years of your life, I sow you every day for 20, the last 11 I had to apply for special permission to see you. Your father worked 7 months a year, but we ate for 12 months without shortage. Not even a single day did we lack fresh milk, fresh vegetables, meat or money to buy what we needed. He never went to school, but he was smart. Way smarter than you with a modern Certificate.”

She stood up, took her scarf and wrapped it around her neck. “Come, let me show you something. Then we will seat and drink juice while I you some of the character traits of a leader from the perspective of ANTS. .” She Walked to a mother room, where only a  few of his siblings had been there before. The room was full of pictures and art work displayed on the wall. “This is your father  and grand fathers private room. It’s full of memories. I want to share a secret with you. Can you handle it?”

Bason looked at his mother and Nodded, almost with a face that did not show certainty.

Diving Connections

“I have never seen your father forsake his brothers. Wild animals would come here to prey on our animals, your father and his brothers would stick together. I have seen them come home carrying one another, crying from the heat of the wounds they sustained when defending their life stock. 

I have seen them work in scorching summer heat to provide for us. They never worked far from one another. No one was allowed to work alone. When ever someone harvested a big or heavy, the others would leave their lots and help the one with a heavy load. When it was raining, they build huts in the field to find warmth and protection. And to protect their harvest. When animals came to attack, all of them went in to fight.”

Bason still looked puzzled. He told me that he felt like he was reading one of the beautiful history books about black people in the homelands.

“During the winter times, your father and his brothers Would seat around the fire, to tell the stories of how they survived. They used this time to recoup and bond and to plan how to go about the next planting season, which and how many animals to sell and to identify potential new customers.  Our compound was always full of white People from all over the land coming here to buy pigs from your father. As I speak now, even if we do not sell anything for the next 5 years, we will live like royal people because of the work that your father has one before he died.”

“Are you saying that Papa had savings to last the whole family five years without working?” Bason asked

“Yes. Yes my son. Your father was not a lazy man. And he was not dumb either.”

She looked at him almost as though she wanted him to take it all in. He on the other hand looked like as a ghost has just passed right before his eyes. He was struggling to adjust to this truth. His idea of life was you have to work daily to eat daily. He did not know about working smart.

“Son, how long have you been working?”

“Seven years, mama. Why?”

“How much do you have in savings?” She ignored his question.

“Around R35k, or so and few insurance policies that will pay out when I die.”

“Ok. How much do you earn per month?”

“Eh, ma! Why do you ask such personal things?”

“Son, the investments of your father is over R3m in cash reserves and over R37m in live stock, plantation, land and machinery combined. I am old, and will never suffer being broke a day in my life till I die. You on the other hand, has had good education that money can buy, but you still have to graduate from the first basic level at the school of life.”

The more she spoke, the more puzzled he looked.

“The school of life, my son”, she went on to explain; “…it is the school where you will never meet a teacher in a lecture room. There is no one to set exam or to mark you wrong or write, life does. We have learned that if we weight for the right time to do the right thing, we will never be ready for opportunities. That is easy to let go. But it’s much harder to be in winter in your life and have no food to eat no wood to burn in the cold winter night.”

She stopped speaking because it looked like she was flying further away from him. Her face was filled with sympathy. Obviously, he was blind to life.

“Ma, we have electric heaters these days. Even our cars can warm us up while we drive.”

“How can you be so educated and yet be so dumb?!... don’t you understand what I am saying to you? Gosh!” She worked out.

***

I will not be able to teach the valuable lessons in this story. You just have to find them. I hope you do.

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THE ENEMY ON THE MIRROR

The neglected heroic nature in us that we often neglect

ALSO AVAILABLE IN ON SOUNDCLOUD: https://soundcloud.com/nhlanhla-mafarafara/the-enemy-on-the-mirror

When was the last time you had a great idea and was excited about it? or when was the last time you fell in love and destroyed the relationship because of internal imbalances, fear, negative beliefs, false information, etc?

There are people who were given good opportunities in life; be it to start businesses, to be in be married and build a happy marriage, to be employed or promoted in a job, to inherit a good legacy from their parents, to enrol in a good education program, to be superstars, etc but they sabotaged their futures without the help of another person.

You will understand it as you read along

It is said that most successful people in the world are not always the academically smart people in the world. But it’s people who have learned to understand and know that the one person who is responsible for anything in their lives is themselves.

someone said that most of you if you could kick the person who is responsible for your problems so hard with an iron nose shoe, you would not be able to sit down for few days.

Who is the enemy in the mirror?

If you take your mirror right now, you will see your enemy in full view. Unfortunately we chose to see fairy tales when we look at our lives. We go to the mirror to see the make-up, hair styles, etc. We never take a moment to reflect on who we are and what we are.

The enemy in the mirror is the combination of your attitude, your language, your values, your beliefs, and your daily routine. Unfortunately, most of the people don’t know that they have this enemy in them.  I write in my book, Step to the next level,  about some powerful principles about how to become the person that you really need to be come in order to achieve your goals and fulfil your dreams.

When and how do we see the enemy?

You see this enemy I you when you talk about dreams, projects, growth, healthy living, commitment, and many other things that grown and mature people have to do to lead a meaningful life.

1. You begin to pursue comfort than growth. Instead of challenging yourself, you assume the status of arrival as though success is destination. You sit and choose to relax and shy away from growth.

2. Fantasising on how things should be but neglecting the work required to realise it. Some people expect some impossible perfection with themselves and others. There is a certain feeling of euphoria when your mind tells you all is good and you don’t need to do anything to change it or improve. it is almost as though you live in a  bubble.

3. Obsession over examining personal failures instead of successes

4. Refusing to change. Its easy to maintain the status quo, even though not fulfilling to keep it. the reason why many people never get promotion is not related to their education status. Some of the reasons, if you look deeply to why people divorce, steal,  etc its related to their refusal to bear the responsibility of changing their negative beliefs and behaviours

5. Angry at everyone.  I’m sure you have met such people who go around lashing at everyone. These people would use a hammer to kill a fly and destroy everything around it. Small things tend to be made big.

6. Personal Neglect

Where does the enemy within come from

1. Beliefs:  some people only see doom because their mental disposition is terrible. When they look inside, they see a failed, miserable, sick, unsuccessful person

2. Past experiences: some of the things that people have gone through in life makes them turn to sabotage themselves. Some are deep psychological wounds coming from what happened when a young man was constantly abuses when he was still young. What happens to a woman who was once subjected to emotional or sexual abuse.

3. Past Exposures. The things we do, we do because we have been socialised into believing that they are OK.

4. Unresolved hurts,

5. Past failures without positive reinforcement

6. Parents. They can contribute greatly to how children grow to be. Some parents fight battles with their spouses uses their children (whether married or not)

Behavioural patterns that support self sabotage

1. Having fears that are larger than your faith.

Human beings are designed to grow. But their internal makeup is that of homeostasis or equilibrium. Whenever you want to do something new, your mind will first try by all means to convince you about how bad things may be if you break the balance that you already have. The mind does not tell you of new equilibrium. It shows you unstable things. But you can train it otherwise.

The mind always jumps to survival mode when you are faced with a Unknown territory. Progressive people are not fearless people; they are people who are comfortable in the unknown. In that way, they don’t avoid fear.

You must be brave enough to take action into the areas that causes your palms to sweat. Often times, the things that we are afraid of doing are only hard to start but fun later and most rewarding. Think of the 16000 men and women who ran 90km Comrades Marathon this past weekend…

2. Tendency to blame the outer conditions for everything.  

People work hard to find something wrong with the world they live in. All people are self-made, but only the successful tend to admit it (Brian Tracy). Those who fail refuse to take responsibility.

I am unemployed because the government does not want to hire. I can’t get married because I grew up in an abusing home. And they use these self-limiting reasons continue to sabotage their lives. I did not go school because my parents do not have money.

While that may be true, there are also other students worse than you or similar who studies so hard they did not have to focus on their parents’ problems. Ordinary people stay stuck because they blame external conditions instead of seeing opportunities in their challenges

3. Waiting for someone to save you instead of taking responsibility for their lives.  

You’ll here, if so and so was here, my life would be better. If my husband was here, he would do this, etc. you must love yourself enough to be able to fix your own issues sometimes, without the external aid. I think this is one Africa’s problems. Most poor people are waiting for Government to provide solutions. And the government is looking for people to partner with who will come up with good solutions for our villages and townships.

4. Lack of drive and ambition.  

Martin Luther King Jr said anyone who does not have anything that he is willing to die for by the age of 21 is not worthy to be alive.

5. Valuing other people’s attention over personal values.  

When last did you spend time alone and not worry about what you will be missing out. Most people are not content with themselves. And they are never satisfied with their small achievements. If no one says well done to them, they will be miserable all day. Have you met those people who will dress up so nice and get angry if you don’t say anything?

6. Negative and self-limiting beliefs

Some people tend to believe that the world is all up against them and nothing will ever work out positively for them. they can find anything to use against themselves at any time.

7. Low self confidence

8. Doubt:  you doubt yourself more than anybody ever will

9. Lack of originality and sense of ownership for personal craft

10. Broken focus syndrome. Most people are addicted to destruction and are caught up in them. Be it phones, TV, Radio. They spend the best hours of their prime days and hours pursing things that done even quench a thirst. 

 

BEYOND FAILURE

ALSO AVAILABLE ON SOUNDCLOUD: https://soundcloud.com/nhlanhla-mafarafara/beyond-failure 

The subject of failure is one that is universal, as that of success. I say this because not everyone that failed ends up a great success. But the other way is truer in that the bulk of those who achieve great success have in some way experienced great failure. Thomas Edison had 10 000 failed attempts in his journey towards creating a light-bulb. His was of putting it is “I found 10 000 ways that do not work”. But somewhere in our communities you will find a young man who has tried three times to start a business at it failed and already is giving up. Come on!

The area of failure may be far from the area of success. You can experience a great failure in marriage, such that when you overcome such failures they open doors for corporate success. The great majority of highly successful businesses and organisations are run by happily married people. And you don’t wake up into a happy marriage, you work hard to it, sometimes with hard knocks. To have a successful marriage, business or life in general take for you to graduate from the school of hard knocks and be a  master in the master class of internationalist.

So success, as we all desire it in all its forms, according to Winston Churchill, Consists of going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm. 

What is the true meaning of failure as seen by successful people

-          Failure is a teacher, not an undertaker

-          Failure is a delay, not a defeat

-          Failure is a detour on a journey to success, not a dead end

-    Failure can only be avoided by DOING NOTHING, SAYING NOTHING AND BEING NOTHING; however, if you chose this option, you MAKE yourself a failure indeed.

-         It is failure that gives us a proper perspective in life

-         When you never experience failure, sometimes you don’t learn the value being strong

The necessity for failure

The first reward in pursuing a goal, an event, a journey, a relationship, a degree is what you become in the process of achieving it. When we teach people the art of goal setting we often say achieving the goal is not as important as whom you become in the journey of achieving the goal.  

Henry Ford once said “THE ONLY REAL MISTAKE IS THE ONE FROM WHICH WE LEARN NOTHING.” Failure is a school of life that teaches you things no formal education can teach you: resilience, perseverance, patience. I think it’s the failures in life and other areas that makes people build great financial assets. When they die and leave it to their children, it dies. Wealth skips a generation because some people are shielded from being tested by the silver platter.

The cost of embracing the negative meaning of failure

-     It robs you of the quality of life, the lessons that comes from it and your opportunity to develop

-        It robs people of enjoying the gift that’s in you. Imagine if all of us, or at least most of us lived our ideal lives, fearless, fruitful, relentless, etc

-     Often failure is coupled with fear, low self-confidence, and inability to think critically. As you embrace failure, you continue building your own house on weak material.

-       Depending on your mental disposition, failure can make you have a permanent negative outlook on life and the areas where you failed.

-      If you are a father, how would you feel if your child was given an opportunity to talk about you in front if a other children: how would your child introduce you if the introduction was based on attitude and behaviour?

94cm to millions (NB)

A story is told of man from Colorado who discovered Gold reserves in Williamsburg. He called his friends and family to help dig and transport gold. They made a fortune out of his invitation In a short space of time. They became millionaires. Later as they continued digging, the gold disappeared; all they dug was dust and rocks. For months after months, nothing came out. Because of the experience of the dry seasons, they called it quits. The sold all the machinery to the Junk Collector for few hundreds of dollars and went back home.  

The junk collector was not dumb, he did not have instant gratification problems, he did not have pride and was very smart and patient. 

So he called on an engineer for advice after signing the mining rights and land ownership from the previous owner who gave up. The engineer showed him that the previous owner failed because he was not familiar with FAULT LINES, his calculations showed that there was a great vein of THREE FEET underground. THAT IS JUST AROUND 95CM TO BILLIONS OF DOLLARS. 

BEING BUSY IS AN EXCUSE

How to avoid being over engaged but under productive with no excuse

When last did you evaluate the progress you have made on your goals?

What is that one thing that you wanted to do this year and have not done it yet? What prevented you from doing it?

Which areas have caused a leakage in your life or what are the greatest time wasters?

Have you ever wondered how some people seem to be able to get so much done and you have very little to show?

Often times we underestimate how capable we are and over exaggerate how busy we are. If not, we let everyone look at us as though we are busy people, and yet those who really get much things done, don’t complain about the things that you may be complaining about. Including the over stated “I am tired” phrase.

So today I want you to really think about your goals, your projects, your family, your career, your health and try to see where have you robbed yourself or sold yourself short in the name of being busy.

Debbie Millman, a writer and artist said “being busy is an excuse. Its also a decision. It’s a sign that you value certain things over others. It may be sex, sleeping, overindulgence in food, watching movies or sitcoms, sports or games, etc”.

At work, we have people who often appear very busy because they are always visible in meetings, talk a lot, or even running around all over the place. At the end of the day, ask them what have they achieved, DOLOLO. What will make you successful at work is not being in the premises, but being in the workstation and doing what ought to be done… not running around.  And what will enable you to do what you’ve always wanted to do, is doing it! not making excuses.

Definitions

To be busy means to be actively involved in an effort geared towards accomplishing something in such a way that you are not free to do something else.

So people who often achieve less than they are capable are often “too busy” doing things of less value and shying away from the actual truth or realities.. while those who achieve a lot have beaten the excuses KO.

Excuses

Excuses are rationalisations we make to ourselves about people, events, and circumstances. They are invented reasons we create to defend our weak behaviour, to postpone taking action or simply as a means of neglecting responsibility. Often it’s a way of putting a blame of the existence of an internal problem on an external condition.

Why do people make excuses?

•  Fear of failure
• Fear of embarrassment
• Uncertainty over what change brings to their life
• Fear of making mistakes
• Fear and inability to take responsibility for their lives
• Perceived lack of confidence, resources or skills. Often all these are illusions
• Its comforting. Sometimes people use it to seek sympathy

The most common excuses that people make

• I don’t have time. Or have not had the time.  But you spend 2 hours a day on whats-app and Facebook while watching TV (sports, news, movies and sitcoms) for two to three hours. But you don’t have enough time.

An average poor person watches TV 3-4 hours a day. That is about 2 months a year. and you sleep 6-8 hours a day (3 months). Meaning that an average poor person spends almost 5 months sleeping per year. you only live half a year. and taking time to go to work, bathing, cooking… you practically just existing. At the end of the year, they are tired because they were busy.

•  I was not trained for this or I do not have experience. Sometimes this is the lame excuses that people make to avoid doing something higher than their comfort zone.

If I ask you to jump over a fence with mash wire or jump down from a single floor rooftop. You will call me nuts. But if someone can point a gun at you, you’d do it without thought. you can run through fast traffic on foot and not be hit by a car.  Look, you know what you know because you were exposed to it. Lorraine Osman, Head of Public affairs of Pharmaceutical Society of South Africa taught me something powerful this past Saturday, she said: SITUATIONS DEVELOP NEW LEADERS.  

Situations bring you skills. Jump in an learn in the process. Carrel Motshega, a very audacious and successful entrepreneur, when I asked him about his success in business said “I fake it till I make it”!

• I have nothing to show for it. I’ve used this excuse sometime. Its very depressing. When you want to do something and stop yourself from pursuing it because you think the world wants to see what you’ve got. And the people, well, of course may want you to show something, but that does not stop you from doing it.

I hosted a seminar last year on Financial Freedom and invited great speakers; someone asked one of my guest speakers and said “what does Mafarafara have to even have the guts to talk about financial freedom?” I laughed.

•  I don’t have the money. Excuses that people make when they are struggling to go to school or to start a business. Or even to live the life that they want. The biggest problem about lack of money is not lack of money itself. It is the inability for one to channel energy towards a process of constantly learning to develop better solutions. People buy solutions; it matters not who is selling them. They buy solutions. Systenious Makhubele, author and speaker taught me something profound in a seminar last year that: if you do not have the money that the world needs, at least have the knowledge that the world needs.

• What will people say?  About what? People will always have something to say about anything. 

There is a story that was in the newspapers this weekend. a young lady who just completed medical school from Kwazulu Natal. She studied while doing odd jobs as a domestic worker. She said she started doing dishes when she was 16, because she had to. She went on to study medicine, now is a Doctor. Her secret: she blocked ears from people’s negative talk, kept a humble spirit and remain focused on her goal. Her domestic little pay paid for her food at school. What’s your excuse?

• What if it does not work… well, what If it works?
• I am too old or too young
• My boss hates me, or he wont like this. 
• My employees are not competent. 
• People don’t understand me
• It wont work. That is a good sign of lack of self confidence
• I need to focus on my career.  That’s what people say when they want to avoid committing to a relationship. I’ve seen very successful people in the circular world with great marriages.
• I can’t multitask.  Really? Tony Robins runs 17 successful companies with turnover of Hundreds of million Dollars that operates in many different countries. Jomo Sono, other than dealing with his soccer team, was seating on various boards of companies, including hotels, real estates and SASOL.

How do you think Ciril Ramaphosa got his business to gain him the wealth?

Look, unsuccessful people have more excuses that make them keep their problems for longer.

THE BLAME GAME

The blame game is a situation where one party blames others for something bad or unfortunate rather than attempting to seek a solution. 
Accusations exchanged among people who refuse to accept sole responsibility for some undesirable event

ILLUSTRATIONS

Husband and wife fighting over burned chicken stew.

A wife blames her husband for not doing anything in the house. She  argues with him because he comes back from work, seats on the couch and turns the TV, then open his Sunday Newspaper and read. 

While she is cooking, she is also washing dishes and packing up the house and watching the kids are playing outside the house. Later there’s a heavy dark smell of burned meat in the house... The wife blames it on the husband for sitting and not helping. He blames the wife for being careless. Later that evening he decides to go out to take a walk and stumbles over some wood and dead leaves in the road and falls and hurt his elbows. He started shouting at his neighbours for growing too many trees that keep the street dirty.  

Now, I wonder how manny people think he is right....

 A young woman is raped at a party...

·        The Society blames her dress code,

•           Others blames her timing of going to the party,
•      The village blames the mother for not teaching the child good manners, the mother blames her husband for being absent all the time, if he was home she would have not walked out to seek validation from other people. The daughter blames herself for wearing a shirt dress... Its just a big spider web that society needs to untangle. The society loses value in the eyes of others. The police can’t be fully trusted because they blame the victims, the child can’t trust own decisions because of the experience.

The good and the bad

When things go right, we look inside

When things go bad, we look outside (most of the time)

For example, imagine taking a driver’s test. If you just pass, then you will likely make it an internal reason – I studied hard, I’m actually a good driver naturally. But if you just fail the same test, suddenly there is an external reason – the weather was bad, it wasn’t the car I usually drive, I didn’t get enough sleep.

Why do we blame people (when people blame others)

1.    It’s used as a defence mechanism: usually could be a form of denial, self-protection or shifting responsibility from self to others.

2.    To protect our ego: .Others can use blaming others as a way to protect their self-worth or self esteem. So you blame others so that you don’t lose your assumed dignity before people or to look better against accepting your own faults and flaws. It you blame someone, it puts you in the superior seat, making you feel more important and ‘good’ person as opposed to their ‘bad’.

3.   It’s as easy tool to use when under attack and feeling defeated. You blame others to compensate for your weakness or lack of preparedness

4.    its easy to blame others than accept responsibility 

5.    People lie. You can blame others because it’s easy to tell a lie than to admit the truth.  If you stop lying you could have a more fulfilling relationship 

What if I use cop out to self-blaming to avoid being too hard on themselves

·         The brain only knows the reality you create.

·         You must be careful not to create a brain tattoo of a bad person in you while you are not.

·         When things don’t work out well, of you fail and start to say “i'm a bad person, i'm dumb, I am not capable, I am ugly, etc… the brain records that… the more you do that or repeat it, the more real it become.

•     The challenge is that first, your wrong perception of what went wrong due to your “fault” becomes a reality of your own, not others. Such that when people come to pick you up from that fall, it will be hard because the you almost fall twice or more from one incident,
•       The second challenge is that you begin to live as a victim of that failed incident
•      The third thing is that you begin to lose your confidence and your self-esteem. When you want to do something similar to what you blamed yourself for, your brain will remind you of the brain tattoo: that you were once or twice responsible for error in the same spot… what makes you think you can’t repeat it?

·         In short: escaping into blame mode limits you

·         But escaping into correction mode empowers you.

Will we ever have a situation where we are not looking at anyone or anything to blame at all?

Who should take the blame? Does it matter who you blame?

·         Taking blame is pointing a finger…

·         The moment you chose to “blame someone” you automatically remove yourself from the equation and immediately develop a negative attitude towards it or even be reluctant to participate in correcting it.

·         Taking responsibility is accounting not only for the wrong, the failure or the problem, but taking a leading role in finding and implementing corrective or improvement measures.

So, the correct question is not who should take the blame? That’s a negative question altogether, but who should account for correction and prevention of the errors? That is an empowering question.

How easy can it be for one to escape the blame game syndrome?

I like the fact that you call it a syndrome, because I think it’s a disorder

But for you to be able to escape the blame game, you need to understand some things in life.

I read a story about two rabbits: let me share this with you:

Once upon a time there were two rabbits who were the best of friends. They were so close that even their families used to come next in priority after their friendship.

They used to play together, fight of other rabbits together and eat together.

One, unfortunate day one of the friends gets caught by a Wild Dog. All the other friend could do was watch from a far distance as his best friend is eaten alive.

He felt strange, He was scared, he felt sad, he was helpless; he was overwhelmed, He wanted to die, He wanted to live, He was confused, He was utterly devastated.

Let’s say it was you in that situation, what you would do:

1.    Take responsibility for your life. Failure to accept responsibility is failing to lead. Responsibility means ability to respond (Respond-Ability)

a.    Be aware of what is going on (both your internal or thought processes) and the external (influences)

b.    Accept the consequences. Many people are ready and eager to get praises and cretid for good things and forget that things can go wrong. Can go hoo haa. Be ready for it.

c.    Resolve to improve. If its business failure, raise up and do better, if its relationship failure, raise up and be the one to love more and give more, if its personal failure, raise up and take charge of building a better person.

2.    Seek help from  outside

3.    The big part is here: know and understand the things you can change and the things that are outside of your control.

Why do people blame themselves

Effects of blaming of finger pointing

1.    In society that is full of violent behaviors, it can actually end up protecting the perpetrators. Our society is built in such a way that a victim of abuse, rape, negligence is not empowered to talk about the things that hurt them.

2.    Research shows that victim blame has serious consequences for the mental health and recovery of survivors, and has been shown to predict depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress. Victims are less likely to seek further assistance if they have experienced a negative reaction following disclosure, heightening their distress.  (Robert Muller, Psychology Today). He further writes that Common reactions include blame, anger, and disbelief, and can even extend to the refusal of assistance for victims seeking help. Such attitudes can be seen among police, physicians, and counsellors who may treat sexual assault victims with considerable scepticism, discouraging them from speaking up.

TIPS:

Can it be solved:

Somehow yes:

Societal perspective:

1.    Society needs to learn Positive accountability: this means to thoughtfully akbowledge an error, your own or another person’s and continue to seek ways to repair it if necessary

2.    Confidence in people: this could be more often with parents showing confidence in their children or Spouses showing confidence in one another. Or teachers showing confidence in their learners. One of the biggest source of immoral behavior is Brocken family. Sometimes because the family did not show positive reinforcement on their children or support their children in their dreams. A child who is told is good eneough is likely to perfume well at school. But a child who is blamed for bad things happening to others is likely to lose his confidence and then blame others.

Personal level:

1.    Develop self confidence. Have faith in yourself

2.    Learn to take responsibility. It’s the only way you can be able to correct errors and rechalenage failed attempts

3.    Seek help: sometimes blaming others can cause your brain to shut down from attempting positive turns. You may end up thinking everyone is against you.  Look at the Appartheit for example: we have talked so much about it that we end up seeing every other color as negative.

4.    Learn to focus on a future or the future that you can impact of possitvu influence not a past you cannot change.

5.    Focus on positive things than negative things

6.    Take responsibility: failure to